Can You Hear Me When I Talk To You?

I actually wrote this a couple weeks ago, on the year anniversary of my dad's death, but just now got to posting it.


So here I sit, at 2:15 am, surrounded by letters and notes to myself and my dad representing the past year of my life. They go through every emotion you could imagine. Complete with Bible verses for every question I could possibly have from salvation, to heaven, to assurance of salvation, which is one I always have a problem with. I found song lyrics I wrote down from when he was in the hospital and I was constantly listening to KLTY, which was weird because that station really annoyed me before that week, but somehow it was the only station that made sense at the time. Today was the year mark of my dad dying. I was fine all day, just going about it as a normal day, like I do everyday, acting like my life has always been this much of a mess. I was fine until my insomnia/nocturality (word?) kicked in and my mind started reeling. First, I felt the urge to journal, which I only do on special occasions, and then I laid in my bed and took every piece of paper out of the drawer I had stuffed it in. As I read these, I remember the feeling I’ve been trying so hard to push back inside of myself, so I can stick a cork in it and just hope it will go away. Now, my walls are tumbling down. I think about how much I have changed, some good, some bad. I think about how my relationships have changed with people, again, some good, some bad. I read other journal entries, remembering the exact day that I wrote them. I know my thoughts aren’t making a lot of sense right now, and I deeply appreciate you sticking with me, but there’s just so many thoughts in the middle of a whirlwind in my brain, that I just can’t keep up with what I’m saying. I just wish I could put my words as eloquently as they are while roaming inside my head. I’ve put a wall up for so long, it feels like my heart has become hardened against any emotions, except anger, which lately, I feel a lot. Which, BTDubbb, I DON’T LIKE. I want the inside of my heart to look like what people are seeing on the outside. I mean yeah, usually I am a pretty happy person, but I feel like lately the happy, perky Callie is being replaced with a much more cynical version. Putting on a front is exhausting, and I’m tired of doing it. I want to change, and I need y’all’s help to keep me accountable. I can’t do this without God, which is a given, and I need his help wayyy beyond what I deserve. I would LOVE to be sent Bible verses and whatever God puts on your heart to tell me. I’ll try to receive it with open arms and an open heart. Sorry this was such an ADD post. I just had words pouring out of everywhere. Love Y’all.
　
Some of my favorite verses and lyrics:

John 16:22- So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again, and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

Habakkuk 1:5- “Look at the nations and watch-- and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.

1 Peter 5:7- Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you.

Job 19: 25-27- I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!

Philippians 3:20- But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,

“One day you’re gonna shine again, maybe knocked down but not forever”

“Take heart, troubled soul, joy and peace he brings.”

"I've dropped anchor in your promises and I am holding on."

"This is not how it should be, this is not how it could be, but this is how it is, and our God is in control."

"If his grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."

"I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming."


don't watch the video, its super weird but its a great song :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U11u9uEr9mg