This is not how it should be, this is not how it could be, but this is how it is, and our God is in control.

I am beyond excited. In 9 days, I am boarding a plane for a mission trip to Germany over Spring Break. I wrote out my testimony to share to the kids we'll be talking to, so I just thought I'd share it with you.

I had a pretty normal childhood. A mom. A dad. An older brother. Both sets of grandparents. A fish. Looking back on it, it was pretty perfect. I grew up in a Christian household. I asked Jesus into my heart in Kindergarten, but I didn't fully understand what it meant to be a Christian until 6th grade. I still remember that day perfectly. Our Dean of Students at the time had his HUGE wrestler friend come to chapel. He told us a story about one of his friends that died suddenly in the middle of the night. But, everyone that was associated with his friend knew that he was in Heaven after he died. At that moment, I realized I wanted to live my life so that if I was to die suddenly, everyone would know where I was spending eternity, no doubt about it. So, starting that day, I started my quest for perfection. Follow every rule, ace every test, never mess up because I didn't want everyone to think I was imperfect, so therefore, I wasn't a Christian. (Which is totally messed up by the way) And soon, my seemingly perfect world came tumbling down. Or maybe more like avalanching down.

In November 2009, me and my mom got a call that my dad was in the hospital. They weren't sure what was wrong, but they thought it might be a kidney stone. My mom has had at least seven kidney stones, so we didn't think it was that big of a deal. We get to the ER and get to see my dad and even start joking around. The doctors go to take some more tests to make sure it is a kidney stone, and they found out it was something much more serious. My dad had a heart condition when he was little where he had a stint put on his aorta. The stint unraveled and his aorta finally ruptured. Life or death situation. He was immediatley carted into surgery with the best doctor in Fort Worth. He had a 30% chance of living through the surgery. And miraculously, he did. The doctor told us that the first 78 hours were crucial. If he made it through those, he was in the clear. Miracle after miracle, my dad kept hanging on. 48 hours later, Sunday morning, November 8, 2009, my dad's kidneys failed causing a domino effect on his body. He passed away.

The next few months were a blur of tears and chocolate, but there is a few things I remember. I remember my dad's funeral very clearly. We had eight speakers who all said my dad was their best friend. That was the kind of guy my dad was. Every single one of them, even the ones who weren't Christians, said my dad had foundation like a rock. He had the most faith I've ever seen. There was something different about him. In other words, everyone knows where my dad is spending eternity. With Jesus.

Now, whenever something tragic happens, you either run to God or run from God. I did both. I decided to run to God because I knew there was no way I could get through that alone. And time after time, God came through for my family. When we thought we might have to sell our house and move into a smaller one,God provided us the money to pay off our house. He provided me with strength when I couldn't make myself get out of bed in the morning, and he supplied me with joy when I forgot how to smile.

Whenever everything started to go back to normal, I started to think I could handle everything by myself, so I started to turn from God. I started to get angry and hurt and depressed and I would always question God. I remember asking why he had to take my dad and not some dad that beats their child or some guy in prison. Why me? And I just got angrier and angrier  for months. I hated talking about God, I hated praying, I hated reading my bible, and I hated God for taking away my dad.

On the highschool retreat this past year, I totally had a God moment. Like a sobbing, hugging, laughing, then sobbing again God moment. I had been asking God to show me a sign that he hadn't deserted me. The speaker said if you hadn't felt God in awhile to come up to the front and start praying. So I did. About a minute later, my Bible teacher, Miss Whitbeck, comes up and starts praying for me. She prays everything I need to hear. Things I never told anyone. Things only God could have told her to say. And I just started bawling. And I don't cry in public.

So after that, I just totally felt renewed in my faith. And you know what I found out? If you run one step toward God, he'll run ten. If you make time for him, he will show you so many things! And those "Why me?" questions have turned into "Why not me?" And those rules I've been trying so hard not to break, turned into ways of helping me grow, instead of ways of bringing me down. God will never leave you or forsake you. He'll never disappoint you. He'll never give up on you. And I'm a living, breathing, example of that promise.

John 16:22
Romans 12:9-20 The Message
Psalm 119: 153-156 The Message
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I want to be seen with a fresh pair of eyes.

I do my best writing at ungodly hours of the morning. I'm not sure why that is. It might be because I have nothing else to do except think. My mind almost always goes wild once normal people start to fall asleep. One thing I've been thinking about lately is how others think about me. Not whether they like me or if I'm popular, but have I been a good example of Christ. I just came back from the Texas Youth and Government State Conference this past weekend. When you're there, you meet all kinds of people. And honestly, you are always judging. Honestly, people are constantly judging. Not just at a new place while meeting new people. But while you are at yag, you're always sizing people up to see if they will be a threat to you during your court case, or if they will crush your bill, or even if they can dance better than you. But while I was assessing the teenagers around me, I realized, I was being judged too. And were the people judging me noticing there was something different about me or did I seem just like all of the other kids there?

My friend and I met a kid at the talent show the second night we were at youth and government. We talked to him that whole night and even saw him the next night, also. Later, we found out he was Muslim. I then realized, I didn't think I was being a good Christian influence to a kid who probably thinks of Christians as hypocritical people who don't practice what they believe. Because honestly, lots of Christians are just that. I mean, I wasn't downing the alcohol and trying to sell him drugs, but I also wasn't being the best I could be.

One of the easiest ways to witness to others is just to live to where you have God's light shining through you. By living as we should, non-christians can see we can not only talk the talk, but we can walk the walk. One time, Gandhi said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." Just think about how many people we could turn over to Christ just by acting like him! Starting tonight, or actually this morning, okay, starting right now, my prayer every day is going to be to be an imitator of Christ. I can't wait to see if people can see a change in me.

Romans 14:22-23 The Message <3